CHRISTMASDOWNTIME, 2021-2

Christmasdowntime, 2021-2

            Writing seems to be a struggle right now; I can’t seem to finish a regular-length blog; the reality of circumstances sometimes is a downer. Of course, the Winter by itself can bring many of us down.  For me, the duration of the Alzheimer’s process has grown burdensome.  We have dealt with this around 16 years since diagnosis; and I knew she had it before then.

            There is a lonesome feeling around the Winter holidays.  I am fortunate that my son is around nearly every day.  Many other family members came to a family gathering.  I talk to many on the phone.  And I want Beverly to be with my family, and with her family..  She is living but not able to go out to social events, church, etc.; luckily she does not know that she is missing such gatherings.  Strangely, the time with Covid cemented this particular outcome, but it will not be undone when Covid is no longer an issue.  She will not gather with family outside of her facility.  She will likely never be out for a meal or a concert or church.  The wheelchair makes going out much more difficult, nearly impossible.  

            She is generally content and mostly happy.  She works at conversing, but rarely makes any sense to me, hard as I try to determine what she means.  I have regular short visits, for an hour or less.  She knows who I am and wants to interact.  She is unable to travel voluntarily, even out of her room or down the hallway.  She must be eating reasonably well; she lost weight several months ago and seems to have rebounded to nearly normal. She still sings with the musicians who come regularly, and sings with me sometimes when I play a familiar song (like “Jingle Bells”) for her.  The words of songs are gone, but melodies and harmonies are are sung by her.  Other people report that she shows strong sociality, wanting to interact with others. 

Many people have powerful reasons to be sad, including those who experienced death of a spouse or of someone else close to them.  And many have prolonged processes of dying from some disease, such as cancer.  Or have someone close to them who is dying. For me, this is now an experience of her death.  One friend suggested that I am not far enough along with grieving, but it is not clear how to get grieving over with.  She is still here, and still possesses a humanity that is unmistakable.  Yet at the same time she is NOT here.  Thus grief continues.  There is no simple exit from this ambiguity, as discussed in earlier blogs. 

Soon I will return to writing about caregiving—with a variety of topics, many of which are in progress.  And I have comfort in knowing that I have made her long process of dementia better for her, for friends and relatives. And I know that my ongoing efforts to support other dementia caregivers and their Loved One have had positive impact—through this blog and personal contact.

I hope you are reminded of what has happened to you and to others—perhaps through caring for someone with long-term medical issues or dementia.  And that you remember the value of your efforts, the value to the one you cared for and the value to your own spirit.  Empathy is what is needed—for me & for many others, though empathy is hard to communicate. 

Christmas is here; whatever your beliefs about life and about death, we must love and support each other.  Caregiving is an essential element for humanity and a core aspect of most religious systems. “God bless us everyone.”